I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
