Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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