I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you traded sex for a burrito?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
