Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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