Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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