Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
