I smell stomach acid.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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