the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
