I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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