So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
