The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We are all done wearing pants today
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
