my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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