I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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