I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
