you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
