god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
