On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
