flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I did not marry a roomba.
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