I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
