burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
