ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
