question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
