a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
