I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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