do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize