i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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