I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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