someone owes me an orgasm
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
