I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
