We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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