I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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