I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
