omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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