well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
