Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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