Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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