I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
