Princesses don't give blow jobs
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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