i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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