she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
