ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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