My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
