I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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