Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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