We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
