She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
