if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
honey bunches of taint.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
