Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
