I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
im on a boat
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