o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
