The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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