there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
There's always time for handjobs
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
