When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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