1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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