you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
