I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
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