why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
